Khalil Gibran on Fear
It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.
…
It’s Friday morning, February 24th here in Bali. I just finished my last yoga class with Prem & Radha, and a fresh coconut at Ashtanga Yoga Bali Research Center. Time flew by during my stay here in Ubud. It feels like I only arrived this week. Life has a funny way of doing that, ya know, just when you start to feel comfortable and settled, it moves you in a new direction. I think they call that “growing pains” or maybe just “growing.” The pain depends on your perspective.
I’m pleasantly surprised with how much I have enjoyed Bali. Usually, I have itchy feet and after about 10-12 days, I’m ready to move on. That hasn’t been the case this time. Ubud has had a grounding effect on me. I feel much more present with myself and the world around me. I really like this new feeling.
I almost came here 12 years ago when I was visiting Australia, but instead, I opted to travel with some friends to Singapore, the Philippines, Vietnam & Laos. Knowing what I know now about myself, my younger self would not have appreciated Bali as much as I do on this visit. Age and experience really do make a difference sometimes…okay, most of the time.
It’s interesting when you take a moment to look back at how much you’ve evolved as a human and how far you’ve come in life. You can see and hopefully embrace the evolution. As the poem above says, “The river can not go back. Nobody can go back. To go back is impossible in existence.” I have zero desire to go backward but after reviewing my life, I can say I’m definitely content and grateful for the way it is unfolding. Of course, it’s not all wine and roses, there have been some really tough patches and some exciting and happy times as well, but overall it makes sense. They say life makes much more sense when you look back at it than when you are experiencing it. I think this is true. Most of the time, I feel like I’m in a big warehouse (life) trying to find something on a shelf, the lights are off and my flashlight is broken. I’m just feeling my way around the place, stumbling over boxes and hitting my head on the wrong shelf. Looking back, I understand now how some things that I tripped over or hit my head on had a purpose for me to transform into the person I am today.
I’m at an interesting point in my life. To the untrained eye (including my own), it appears that I am free and untethered but recently I discovered that under the surface, I have some deep-rooted attachments to people and places. And when those people or places disappear, my nervous system goes nuts and I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety. During my time in Ubud and at AYBRC, I’m learning that I don’t need to be attached any longer. My body is my home and I am my own best friend. Sure, we can enjoy the people and places that make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside but we don’t need to attach to them like a barnacle on a boat. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.” Plus, a few good, long, deep breaths will reset you to a feeling of calm and clarity when you forget.
Yesterday, I learned that Ubud, was formerly, Ubad (Oooo-bah-d). The word Ubad means medicine. Somewhere along the way, the name was changed to Ubud but the locals still believe that Ubud is a healing place no matter what you call it. I would agree. Ubud was just the medicine I needed for this part of my path. I had so many interesting experiences but the main reason I chose to come here was, I was looking for a yoga practice that I could take with me anywhere. One that I didn’t need a gym, instructor, or YouTube video to be able to practice. I realized after 22 years of practicing that I was always looking for someone else to tell me what to do. I wanted to change that, I want a personal practice that was mine. One where I turned inward instead of outward for direction and guidance. As a recovering people pleaser and over-giver, I’ve really never had much that I could call my own – someone always needed or wanted what I had and usually I was happy (or so I thought) to give it…but eventually, I ended up empty-handed and resentful. I didn’t like that feeling. Now, after 4-weeks of learning an entirely new yoga sequence, I have a deeply personal practice that is mine and nobody can touch it. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. And while I’m not one for routine, as I’ve aged and matured, I’ve realized I would like a little more structure in my life and thankfully, I’ve found that with Ashtanga.
So…
I’m extremely grateful for this past month. I’ve learned so much about the world and myself. I’ve met so many amazing people from the yoga studio to my Airbnb hosts, Made (Ma-Day) and Nina. Everyone has been a delight to be around and has enriched my life in many ways that I didn’t even know were possible. I’m so glad that little spark of madness inside me led me here.
Tonight is my last night in Ubud. I’m a little sad (not attached) to leave but as Eddie reminded me, I can always come back and visit. Of course, it will never be the same, just like the river flowing to the sea, but new experiences and memories can be made.
Tomorrow morning at 6:25 am (Eddie was very specific), I’m off to a beach town to enjoy my last couple of nights here in Bali before I’m off to my next destination. It’s funny because one of my friends texted me and said, “are you on some Eat, Pray, Love thing like Elizabeth Gilbert?” I had to laugh, while it does look like that since I had the eating and love in Italy…and now the praying (and yoga) in Bali, I am kind of following her footsteps in a general sense. She was in Ubud also, and for this weekend, I booked a little bungalow in Amed and it turns out, Elizabeth has stayed there too. Small world.
As Khalil Gibran wrote, “The river needs to take the risk of entering the ocean because only then will fear disappear, because that’s where the river will know it’s not about disappearing into the ocean, but of becoming the ocean.” And with that, I’m off to the beach for a swim (and snorkeling) in the ocean with a heart full of love and gratitude and a mind attached to nothing.
Goodnight and much love from Ubud.
PS: If any of you decide to visit Ubud, I highly recommend Made & Nina’s Airbnb. They are fantastic hosts, the place is clean, Made makes a delicious breakfast every morning and the location is superb. Five stars!
