“This, my dear, is the greatest challenge of being alive: to witness the injustice of this world, and not allow it to consume our light.” – unknown
I woke up around 1am because I’ve continuously had trouble sleeping through the night on this trip. Not sure why. I opened Facebook and the first 5-6 posts were about another mass shooting in the US. This time it was in an elementary school. Less than two weeks ago it was a grocery store. Heartbreaking.
It’s all over the news here in Spain and the pilgrims are talking about it at breakfast. I heard the locals speaking about it at lunch. This effects us all.
From a personal perspective, after traveling to 30+ countries over the last 20 years, the most consistent question I get while traveling anywhere abroad after I share my nationality is, “do you own a gun?” I would say about 65-70% of the people then tell me that the mass shootings in the US are the #1 reason they will never visit my beloved homeland. People are afraid of us. They don’t want to vacation in a place where they could walk into a supermarket or shopping mall and be murdered. It breaks my heart. So, if you think the US is still “#1” and “America First” and that we have the “best” reputation around the globe, I can assure you from first hand experience, this is not the case. Change needs to happen and it starts with each of us.
“If you love yourself, you love others. If you hate yourself, you hate others. In relationships with others, it is only you, mirrored.” – Osho
I woke up at 5:30am. I did not want to get out of bed or walk today. I was pretty upset that 19 children and two teachers lost their lives for nothing. I was even more annoyed that our leaders and government refuse to do anything about changing gun laws to protect the little ones. I felt hopeless. After I talked to Dora and Stephen about it and shed a few tears, I realized it’s a privilege to walk the Camino. Not everyone will have an opportunity to do so. I can’t change the laws but I can make every encounter I have on this path be one of light and goodness. Every step today is dedicated to the victims and survivors of gun violence.
My mantra for the day:
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I am grateful for my life
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I am love
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I give love
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I receive love
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Universe use me and my gifts for the highest invention of all
The hike was beautiful and the mantra really made it an enjoyable day. The path today was mostly nestled at the foothills of the mountains with small hills to climb with great views. We’ve walked through beautiful forests with little sneak peeks of the ocean, through villages and next to train tracks. I listened to some uplifting interviews with my favorite authors and motivational speakers while I walked. It lifted my spirits and gave me hope again for this messy but beautiful world. That is one thing I’ve learned how to do, adjust my sour mood with music and to read/watch/listen to inspirational stuff.
New people:
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Willy from Holland. Oh, what a sweet man. He is 77 and this is his second Camino. His first one was in 1995 with his fiancé and they got married in Santiago when they finished the walk together. Talk about a sweet story. Anyway, Willy is much older now and has a bad heart. I first noticed the swelling in his hands and fingers. Not a good sign. His wife is too sick to join him but he wanted one last walk before the end. We met briefly last night in the hostel when the owner was trying to find him a bottom bunk since he can’t climb the ladder anymore. I offered mine but she found one for him. Then today, we saw him at a café. I asked the usual, name/country/number of Camino’s. We had a nice conversation. THEN, we saw him a few towns later. He was exhausted. The sun was making the hike really hot. He was wearing long pants and a fleece jacket. I asked if he was okay. He said the hostels in that town were full and he wasn’t sure what to do. We looked up the next town which was only 1.3km. I called and got him a bed. He doesn’t speak any Spanish and his English is decent…much better than my Dutch. So we sent him on his way based off Google map directions, which was not the Camino route. Anyway, Stephen and I marched on and got to the town where he would be staying. When we crested the little town and saw his pension, my heart skipped a beat. I thought we sent him the wrong way. I thought “what have we done to this old guy. Hopefully, he didn’t die from the heat & distance.” But out of the corner of our eye walking down the road, which was in fact a shortcut, came Willy smiling and waving his arms. He was so thankful to find his accommodation for the night. He asked us to sit and have a drink so we did. Then he asked us to text a photo of the three of us to his wife so she would know that the Camino Angels had arrived. Very kind of him to call us that. He said he plans to go all the way to Santiago so please keep Willy in your prayers. This is not an easy walk for him.
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I met three people from Canada. None of which really wanted to chat with me. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, but there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” -Dita Von Teese
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There are still loads of Germans and French people walking the trail. Are we still in Spain?
I saw two ladybugs and played with three dogs. #heaven
Stephen has been trying to check the winnings of his lottery ticket for three days now. Every time he goes to the shop it’s closed. I find this quite funny. He is very frustrated. Ah, the Camino lessons.
Update: he checked it. Oh, he was so hopeful. Goose egg. I had to tell him I’m an ice box when it comes to gambling so he should leave me out of it next time.
We missed an arrow and a turn. Not by much but we were a few steps down the road when we realized and turned back. A guy driving a dump truck passed us, turned his truck around and came back to show us the way. Stephen said from now on he is always walking with a blonde.
When people ask me, “how many kilometers did you walk today?” I now respond, “I have no idea.” The follow up question is, “well, where did you start?” Again, “I have no idea.” This blows their minds and drives them a little nuts that I’m not playing in the Camino competition game. This is my new guilty pleasure. Am I becoming a Camino anarchist?
One of the podcasts I’m listening to had an interview with Byron Katie. She said an interesting quote. “If you put a man in a prison cell & he doesn’t know how to control his thoughts, he’ll go crazy. But if you put a Buddhist monk in there and shut the door, he will say thank you.”
Wow. It made me think.
My intention for this pilgrimage is to grow and transform. I’ve been swirling around aimlessly for a little bit trying to figure out my next steps for life. Thank goodness life has a way of allowing us extra time when we need to figure out the big stuff. Deep down, I actually know what I need and want for my life but fear has held me paralyzed. I’m ready to change all that and dive in head first. My hope is this Camino will give me the insight, bravery and courage to jump.
Warning: *Deep thoughts by e. rand. Feel free to skip this part unless you really do want to read my diary. Although I’m sure a few of you have had similar thoughts pop up.
Below is a bullet point list of observations I’ve had about myself while on the walk so far. Behavior that I’m not necessarily proud of but awareness is the first step to positive change.
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For too long I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of my own life and giving my power away to other people who have been muddying my wings. I’ve allowed myself to be uncomfortable to make sure they are comfortable. I’m going to make an effort to stop this.
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I’ve been loyal to too many people who didn’t deserve my loyalty. I stayed in too many relationships that had passed their expiration date. 100% my responsibility.
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I never wanted a serious relationship before 40. I’m ready now. I saw a funny meme the other day, “If you want to date me, don’t send me nudes. Send me a photo of your therapy receipt (or Camino Compostela) so I know you’re working on yourself.” No statement has ever been more accurate. Our looks are going to change but character, personality, morals and sense of humor is what I’m looking at. The vibe has got to be clean and high.
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I used to hyper-defend myself and feel the need to explain myself to an awkward level. I’m getting more and more comfortable with being misunderstood.
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I’m getting really good at setting boundaries. For most of my life I had no lines around me or my space. I was totally out of integrity with myself. I let myself down a lot because of this and I allowed others to take advantage of my kindness. I was just bleeding all over the page begging people to approve of and like me. Boundaries feels so good to me now and “no” is my favorite, complete sentence. Sometimes I say it just for fun.
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I’m becoming more at ease with the thought process that “someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.”
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“When people show you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou. I’ve struggled with this one my entire life. But now I’m understanding that my disappointments and heartaches are the result of expectations I’ve placed on others. Which really isn’t fair to them! I’ve been operating off people’s potential and not the reality of who they’ve shown me or told me they are. They are just living their lives the best they can (we all are), but I think this all ties back to my struggle with letting people go. “But what if…” Good news, I can tell I’m starting to embrace the “letting go” thought process a little better with each step.
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I am learning to love life as it is instead of what I want it to, or think it should be. This involves a lot less struggle and more enjoyment because I’ve removed expectations. The thoughts and beliefs I had about a situation is what has been causing my suffering. I’m learning to embrace the “ what is” instead of resist.
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Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I don’t need to question it or figure it out.
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I like/love myself…a lot. And I’m a good person. It’s taken me YEARS, maybe lifetimes to be able to say that. I hope you like yourself too.
We should all like/love ourselves. Let’s start a movement.
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I’m ready and excited for change. I’m focused on stepping up and taking ownership and responsibility for my own life, my thoughts, my words, and my actions to design a life that I love and is authentic to me.
Overall today was a really good day after the rough start. Lots of gratitude. Beautiful walk and lots of self discovery…and every step had prayers of healing for those affected by gun violence. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Probably some pop quizzes about all this self discovery stuff. I hope I pass.
I’m signing off early so I have time to relax and hangout with the other pilgrims.
San Vicente de la Barquera – La Franca – 14.3km
Goodnight and much love from Spain.
