Photo of Arno River in Florence, Italy September 2021
Last night I noticed I was starting to feel a little sad, maybe even temporarily depressed. The old version of myself would have stuffed those feelings deep down and covered them with a pizza & ice cream…or some kettle chips with salt, my guilty pleasure. The new version of me, the one who has done a ton of self-work, recognizes the feelings, feels them to process whatever is going on, and then moves onward with a new perspective. So I allowed myself to feel all the feels (including a few tears) last night, which were uncomfortable and overwhelming.
Luca was at work and I was in the house all alone. It’s big and a little spooky which also played a role in this little drama of mine. The time by myself, which I usually welcome, made me realize just how out of my comfort zone I am at the moment. I was feeling fearful. I was a little panicked. I had to remind myself that this is what happens during the transitional period. Not all moments can look like a social media photo or reel. I did anticipate a little bit of this, it’s happened before, when I went off to college, moved to Prague & NYC, etc. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to do it. Like I was going to fail…but I adjusted to my new environment and way of life little by little. I’m fairly quick to adapt but I always hit a few bumps in the road before I feel comfortable. Last night was the first big bump – so I left my best friend, Squint, a Marco Polo video detailing all my woes because 1.) she always knows the right thing to say in these situations and 2.) it made me feel less alone to talk to someone even if I know she would watch it at a later time.
After analyzing my emotions, I recognized the struggle with the language is the biggest reason that I’m feeling a little disconnected and anxious. I struggle to learn new languages…which is a sentence I would like to stop saying. I believe our thoughts become our reality so I will start saying, “I’m learning this new language (Italian) little by little” instead. I know I’ve said many times that I love not speaking the language (besides a few basic sentences) when I travel because then I don’t feel obligated to get involved and I can just stay in my bubble – but I think that is my ego talking. I think I’m afraid I’ll sound stupid if I mispronounce a word or worse use the wrong word and communicate an entirely different meaning. In this case of living with Luca in Florence where most local people don’t speak English, doing just the basics like shopping for groceries and being around Luca’s friends, etc. makes me feel a little out of place. I’m sure I’ll start to get the hang of things soon enough, but for now, this is what I’m experiencing. It’s also one of the things people say to me when they tell me “I don’t know how you do it, I don’t feel comfortable being out of my environment.” And they are right, it is uncomfortable. It’s very challenging. Lots of moments have happened already where I feel like an idiot because I can’t communicate properly.
The next thing I noticed is, I don’t really have a purpose or a project yet for while I am here. I enjoy having something to work on – it makes me feel useful. People give me a hard time because I don’t work in an office anymore, but they don’t see that I’m usually busy with some sort of project, whether paid or unpaid. I’m either working on my own writing/projects, a freelance project for someone else, helping a friend with some random activity, or volunteering. I like to be busy and productive. The language barrier makes volunteering locally a little bit of a challenge but I’m hoping something will pop up that I can connect with. Plus, I don’t have any freelance work in the queue at the moment and hopefully, that will change soon as well.
I also noticed I haven’t found my morning routine yet. My morning routine is really important to me. It’s when I set my intention for the day, I journal, read, drink my coffee/tea, and it’s when I exercise. It’s what grounds me for the day. I’m having a little trouble establishing it because I’m living in someone else’s home and I’m trying to find the flow. Luca is more than understanding and encouraging (we have very open dialogue) but I still have not adapted in that area of the day yet. Plus, my friend was visiting for eight days and now Luca has a friend from Canada arriving tonight. Which is all fine and dandy but getting everyone flowing in the morning is an art form…just ask any parent.
Lastly, I think I just miss my friends. I wrote about my community at The J and what an important role those folks have played in my life (working out by myself just isn’t the same). I’m surprisingly very good at maintaining long-distance relationships which is why I’ve managed to keep my best friend from college in my daily life and had weekly phone calls with several friends of 20+ years. Like I’ve said before, I’m a collector of people and I miss my people! So, I’ve decided that I’m going to write more updates when I feel like it. The rigid marketing professional in me said I “should” only write on Mondays and Thursdays to keep consistency but my intuitive side says I need more connection – even if it’s with the online community. So, with your permission, I’ll be sending you some surprise newsletters and updates when the spirit moves me…and I hope to hear back from you as well.
All in all, things are going really well. I have no complaints, just a couple of bumps. Luca is fun to be with and we get along great. We actually had a nerf gun battle last night when he got home from work and I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Our relationship is easy and enjoyable and no two days are the same but I would like to start developing a few other areas of my life while I’m here. We are both pretty independent people and I want to maintain that part of our lives. It makes coming together so much more enjoyable. I’ll get there, I know it. Heck, even just writing this update has made me feel better. Thank you.
Self-care people, it’s a good thing.
Goodnight and much love from Florence, Italy.
P.S. The mosquitoes are continuing to devour my ankles…and this is the biggest annoyance of all. *sigh*