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“Misery loves company.” English proverb
Ladies and gentlemen, it finally happened. I’ve never seen it in the one year I’ve known him but today, Massimo officially…
lost.
his.
shit.
It was epic. I wish I had a video to show you.
Massimo is a fairly tall guy and most Romanians tend to be shorter. Therefore, many of the older buildings here have surprisingly low doorframes and ceilings.
We had reached our accommodation for the night and the woman working there was showing us around the house. That’s when Massimo walked smack dab into a doorframe and bonked his bean on the door casing.
In his defense, it made a really loud sound and it appeared to hurt very badly – and upon further inspection, he has a little ding on the top of his balding head.
But that didn’t stop me from laughing.
He started cursing in Italian…I understood a few expressions and the word cazzo (the “f” word) was shouted several times, followed by English words…I hate this f@!$ing hike. I hate this f@!$ing country (later he said he didn’t really mean that – it was just out of frustration…apologies to the Romanian readers, you have a lovely homeland). I hate these f@!$ing short doorways. Followed by a scream of “Ahhhhh.”
Oh man, I was impressed.
The doorway had officially broken our superhero and the man made of steel.
Mr. Cool had finally lost his cool.
The woman showed us to the bathroom down the hallway which passed by a picture of the Virgin Mary on the wall and Massimo yelled at her because of his little boo-boo.
It’s not her fault that you don’t pay attention to where you’re walking.
Men, always blaming the women for their own lack of attention to detail. 🤌
He went from Saint to sinner overnight.
That was a quick fall from grace, Your Excellency. Welcome to “The Club.”
I’ll probably have to document this little outburst in his preemptive canonization papers. I’m sure they take these kinds of behaviors into serious consideration. Especially, the blasphemy at Mother Mary. ✝️ He’s definitely going to be docked a few points for that one.
Bovine Breadcrumbs
Massimo’s day started off just as bad as it ended. Maybe that explains the epic meltdown this afternoon.
Today just wasn’t his day.
At breakfast, he asked me how I thought the trip was going.
I could only quote Clark Griswold from Christmas Vacation in this moment, “Look around you Ellen (Massimo), we are at the threshold of hell.” ….
“Almost everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I’ve had food poisoning, been to the hospital twice, we’ve had to skip several sections, and you drank my medicine for Christ-sake.”
“Eh, it’s not so bad,” he replied.
“Give it time,” I said with a smirk.
Right out of the gate, we encountered a fallen tree that was blocking the road and we had to walk through tall foliage to get around it.
No big deal, right?
Wrong.
Massimo went first, as usual, and I was about ten steps behind taking photos – “to capture a “unique moment.” That’s when I looked down and noticed a large shoe imprint in a fresh cow pie.
“Uh, Massimo, did you step in cow shit just now?” I questioned.
“No, absolutely not,” he said confidently.
“Umm, you might want to check your sandal. It looks like someone recently stepped on this big pile of poop and it kinda sorta looks like your shoe print.”
He looked down at his sandal and began to curse in Italian. “Cazzo, Cazzo, Cazzo! Mamma Mia!” Blah blah blah…
I think I manifested that for him at breakfast. I’m getting better at this game.
I glanced at my watch. It had only been 19 minutes since we left the accommodation.
A new record for our first disaster of the day.
He grabbed a leaf to clean his shoe and promptly stuck his hand in some stinging nettles.
Ouch.
Double whammy.
Then, while cleaning his sandal, he discovered that somehow, bits of cow feces had also been splattered up his leg.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man has performed the triple crown of hiking disasters.
It wasn’t even 9 am.
I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. But I’ve already peed down my leg once on this trip, and if I do it twice, I’m pretty sure I’ll officially qualify for bladder-incontinence medication.
And I simply do not have any more room in my backpack for additional pharmaceuticals.
Massimo has requested, now that he is famous and has demands like a rockstar, that I add his version of today’s above events. A reminder, he is a poet and loves Dante Alighieri so there are quotes by Dante in the post – and M writes in a completely different style than me.
For my English speaking friends, you’ll need to translate it on your own because I don’t have enough space to share both languages. Not all translations are the same so be patient when trying to understand his writings.
“E mentre ch’io laggiù con l’occhio cerco vidi un, col capo si’ di merda lordo, che non parea s’era laico o cherco!”
Fra tutte le citazioni dantesche che poteva fare, proprio una che parla di merda?
Ci sarà pure una ragione! È che quando ci si mette di mezzo il fato non c’è niente da fare: merda dev’essere? Che merda sia.
Ciò detto, c’è merda e merda; merda di cane, di gallina, di animale selvatico e infine la sontuosa, imperiale, cacca di mucca.
E qui ti voglio! Perché le altre cacche, per quanto spiacevoli, si limitano per lo più a lordar la suola, meritando al massimo qualche improperio o santione.
La cacca di mucca no; a dispetto dell’indole pacifica del defecatore, è subdola e traditrice.
Si presenta infatti amichevolmente, quasi una grossa torta, come infatti viene spesso chiamata, all’aperto e facile da schivare, ma l’aspetto amichevole è solo un inganno, perché ti attende al varco appena fatta coperta da una gigante foglia di bardana…..
Alla fatal pestata rivela la sua natura subdola e luciferina; altro che suola! Si affonda inevitabilmente fino alla caviglia!
Se la cosa è gia tremenda in sé, potete immaginare per uno che cammina in sandali e a piedi nudi!
La maledetta prende vita, e mentre tu vanamente tenti una frettolosa pulizia (con annessa citazione di tutti i santi a vario titolo presenti nel calendario) in tre passi si avvinghia tentacolare ai tuoi polpacci.
Guai a scuotere la calzatura! Le propaggini si diffondono in un raggio di svariati metri, cadendo inevitabilmente su ogni parte del corpo.
Non resta che attendere che secchi, in modo che poi si confonda con la polvere del suolo per la gioia degli stercorari che non aspettavano altro.
Dato l’esordio, la giornata poteva finir meglio? Giunti a destinazione siamo approdati alla nostra camera, accolti da una signora che quando a scuola parlavano di simpatia era evidentemente assente.
Ora è da sapere che gli edifici in Romania sono spesso rimasti all’inizio del secolo scorso, epoca in cui l’altezza media degli abitanti girava intorno a mt. 1,60
La conseguenza è che se non ti metti repentinamente a castagna hai il 99% di probabilità di incocciar la crapa nello stipite della porta, con inevitabili santioni indirizzati a tutti gli inquilini del paradiso.
E così una giornata iniziata nel segno della cacca, volge al termine con una merdosissima testata.
“La cacca agl’irti calli
fra un dito e l’altro sale,
e pur se non fa male
che olezzo lascerà!”
Now, on to more disastrous events that happened to Massimo today.
The walk itself was absolutely beautiful. We spent most of the day winding through a forest, with a stream flowing alongside us on either side. We even had to climb a gentle hill, but honestly, I didn’t care. As long as we weren’t walking directly under the sun, I was perfectly happy to go uphill.
At one point, we stopped by the river, soaked our feet in the cool water, and ate the remainder of our snacks.
****Side note about the snacks: we are out of them. This is concerning for me because we did not plan ahead and we just discovered that there are no towns or shops for days. Snacks and sandwiches are the only things that are bringing me joy these days and…WE DON’T HAVE ANY!
I digress.
It was an extremely hot day, but thanks to the thick canopy of trees and the shade from the forest, we barely felt it.
Which, after yesterday’s scorching temperatures, felt like a small miracle.
Of course, this was Massimo’s day, so don’t you worry, the universe had something else in store for him. Just be patient.
The only annoyance we had was the bugs and giant flies swarming around us today – well specifically Massimo. I think the cow shit had something to do with it.
One got inside his shirt and bit him.
He started wiggling around and screaming “Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!” I thought he was going to Karate chop something but it turns out that is the Italian equivalent of “ouch.”
Maybe I manifested that little treat for him as well.
He is constantly telling strangers that I’m a witch who practices voodoo & magic.
Which I secretly love, but if I had that kind of power, I’d cast a spell to be 20 pounds lighter (okay, okay, 25 lbs) and have the physique of a supermodel. And a few million bucks in my bank account.
But no need to tell him that I don’t have this wicked sorcery or manifesting powers. I love that he’s a little frightened of me. 🧙♀️
We had about an hour remaining in our hike when Massimo turned to me and said, “if we see another car, let’s hitchhike.”
“That’s all on you, buddy. I tried to manifest a ride yesterday and it didn’t work. If you want a ride, you have to wave them down yourself.”
Not long after, a huge logging truck without a load on the back came barreling up the hill in our direction.
Massimo stuck out his hitchhiker’s thumb with the hopes of catching a ride.
We made eye contact with the driver but unfortunately he made the universal hand signal for “Sorry, man, but this is a company work truck and I’ll get fired if I allow strangers in the cab.” And he drove right past us leaving a cloud of dust.
0 for 2 for hitchhiking.
I turned to Massimo and said, “Hmmm, you’re not very good at this manifesting stuff either, are you.”
Carry on…
Tonight we are staying in a remote and rustic area in the mountains. While it is beautiful, it is very, very remote from any sort of civilization.
I’m trying not to panic.
The woman working where we are staying told us that last night a bear was near the back door of the accommodation.
Umm, excuse me?
I’m calling an Uber. Immediately.
Massimo washed the laundry by hand again today so I could work on the blog.
Saint status restored.
I captured a little video of him doing his domestic duties. 🧺 👕👚
The ladies are going to be lining the trail with marriage proposals after they see his folding skills.
***We are in a very remote area of the country and while trying to book our accommodations for the next couple of nights we have discovered that many of the places do not have electricity or running water – and definitely not WiFi or cell signal – so possibly no blog posts for a couple of days. Stay tuned. And wish us luck.
Much love & gratitude. Namaste 🙏
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We got to do some off-roading in our all-terrain sandals. Can’t do that in hiking boots, can ya.
I’ve officially converted.
Massimo found a bike. He is a serious cyclist but I don’t think he’ll get very far on these wheels…or wheel. Singular.
Massimo’s feet are so beat up that he had to pull out the pumice stone tonight and a foot soak.
And then he used the basin to wash our clothes. I wished he would have done that in the reverse order.
Snacks.
